I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
