He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
