Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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