I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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