I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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