alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
