Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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