After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
