My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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