Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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