This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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