I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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