On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
