you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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