Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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