So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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