I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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