I will die if light touches me.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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