Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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