Umm I'm too high to move.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i just had sex bonerless
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
