I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
