I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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