I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
