woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I will pee on everything he values.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
