just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
