yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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