she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
