just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
