If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
