All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
