I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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