Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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