I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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