I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
