They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
