I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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