Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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