i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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