Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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