I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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