So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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