So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
