I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just want nice things and good sex
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
