i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
