My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
