from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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