I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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