so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
