I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
