I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
